Yu Gi Smohs
by Zouri
Summary: It was a normal day for Yugi, until he solved the one piece millennium jigsaw puzzle. Now his life will never be normal. Please Read and Review.


A/N: This is a combination between the American and Japanese beginnings of Yu-gi-oh. It starts slowly but bear with it, it gets funnier. Also, this story won't format properly, so ignore formatting errors. And I don't own Yu-gi-oh.  
  
Yugi stands outside Domino high school, preparing for another boring day of work. He slowly walks in and greets a few fellow students, but no one seems to care. 'Ok, here's my class room' he thinks as he opens the door. He sits down in his assigned desk and takes a box out of his backpack. "Hey Yugi!" He looks behind him to see Anzu walking inside. "Why aren't you playing basketball?" she asks. "You remember what happened last time, don't you?"  
  
A flashback occurs and Yugi is standing near the basket, hoping the ball will be passed to him. "Hey Yugi," his classmate shouts, "Stand right there." "What do you need me to do?" he yells. "I need you to be my footstool for this dunk." Yugi runs in horror towards the basket screaming, "No, it took me five our to gel this hair." The classmate, however, is much faster and uses Yugi's head as a boost, knocking Yugi over. As he finishes the dunk, he quickly lets go only to fall on Yugi's back. He gives a thumbs up and shouts, "That's right, Jonouchi is cool."  
  
"Oh, now I remember" Anzu tells him. Yugi takes out the contents of the box and begins to work. Suddenly, Jonouchi and Honda bust into the room shouting, "HHHHEEEEEYYYYY YUGI, you know the drill, hands out, money up!" "But you can't do both at the same time guys" he retorts. "Sure you can. Watch Jonouchi" says Honda. Jonouchi thinks for a moment, then reaches for his pockets when Honda shouts, "Hey, I said hands out." "Well I gotta get my money" he shouts back. As he slowly takes the money out of his pockets he thinks, "Ok, he said hands out and money up. So if I throw the money in the air and hold my hands out, everything should work out fine.' He tries said plan, only to have his money thrown around the room and get stolen by greedy kids.  
  
"Damn it" Jonouchi shouts. "What's Yugi doing" Honda asks. He looks to see Yugi trying to finish his puzzle before they noticed. "What's that?" they shout as Honda takes the box away. Jonouchi reads, "The one piece millennium jigsaw puzzle. For ages two and up. HAHA, Yugi playing with a child's game." "I don't know Jonouchi," Honda says, "This is pretty difficult." Jonouchi looks at the puzzle and is instantly confused. Kaiba walks into the room as Yugi shouts, "I've completed it!" "Completed what" Kaiba asks in a cold voice. "My one piece millennium jigsaw puzzle" Yugi shouts again. "What a waste of time. That game is pathetic. A real game is Duel Monsters. But I know someone like you couldn't even grasp the rules of the game." "What are you taking about Kaiba," Yugi says in a angrier voice, "This puzzle took twenty weeks of my life." "How pathetic. I finished mine in five seconds." "That's impossible" Yugi shouts.  
  
Anzu gets up defends Yugi by saying, "You own a multi-million dollar business, why are you in school." Kaiba thinks back to kindergarten and remembers his teacher shouting, "You fail kindergarten." "But how? That's impossible" a younger Kaiba shouts, "I bribed you." The teacher shakes her head and says, "To officially pass kindergarten, you had to name the profession you wanted to be in. You put, and I quote 'Beating little kids, especially Yugi, who I do not know, in various games and lowering there self esteem'. That is not a profession; now a lawyer on the other hand, is very similar. You get to beat people in cases with false evidence and lower everybody's self respect. It's just like a game." Kaiba ran out of the room, tears in his eyes shouting, "NO, This isn't the end of my dream. I'll show you, I'll show you all."  
  
"AND I DID TO" Kaiba shouts in the air. Jonouchi whispers to Honda, "He's been talking like that all through class, he interrupted nap time, quiet time, and 'Shut the hell up the teacher need some time to get rid of his hangover after lunch time'. School's over and he is still going." "Oh well, I challenge you to a game of Duel Monsters, Yugi" Kaiba shouts. "Don't do it Yugi" Anzu shouts, "There's to much riding on this duel." "Like what" Yugi asks. "Umm, the dignity of this series?" "Don't worry, I won't lose." Kaiba scoffs, "That's what you think Yugi." Once at the dueling stadium, Yugi put on his puzzle and shouted, "YU-GI-OOOOHHHHHH," but began to cough and then said, "Damn, that not good for the vocal cords." This call made the puzzle begin to glow and Yugi became Yami, allowing him to grow three inches. He however, was still choking and passed out on the floor.  
  
Three hours later, he slowly got up off the floor. "Finally," Kaiba says, "that took forever." "What happened" the dazed Yami asked. "Where to begin," Kaiba started, "Honda found the meaning of life in lottery tickets, he went to jail for a while. Jonouchi became a metal rock star; he was in a comma after an overdose of various drugs. Anzu decided her dream to be a dancer was stupid and became a fortuneteller, and went to jail with Honda. That was hour one. Do you want to know more, or just know there standing right behind you?" "No, I'm good" Yami said as he took his deck from his pocket and shouted, "Let's duel!" The stadium was set, with four thousand life points for each player.  
  
"I'll go first" Kaiba said with a sneer. He drew a card from his deck and placed in his hand, eyeing each of his cards carefully. He then smiled and shouted; "Now I play Mushroom Man, in defense mode." With an attack of 800 and a defense of 800, it wasn't much of a threat. "Now my turn" Yami told him as he drew a card from his deck. He gave a quick smile before shouting, "Now I play, Mario, in attack mode." "NO" Kaiba shouted, "And because of his special ability, he can eat any fungus on the field." Yami stared at him and said, "He can? Great! I was just going to use him to kick the crap out of your monster but this sounds much better."  
  
'Damn it' Kaiba thought, 'Must not shout special abilities of cards aloud.' Mario jumped at the Mushroom man and easily devoured him. This made him grow three feet and bring his attack points to 1800. "Your move Kaiba." Kaiba picked up a card and thought, 'This combination is perfect.' "Now Yugi" Kaiba started, "You're going down. First, I play the Mystic Fat Ass." A fat man on a couch appears on Kaiba's side of the field with 3 attack points. "Next comes the card Steroids and Exercise. This bulks him for one turn because, you know, he dies of cancer and crap." The fat man quickly eats some steroids and his attack strength rises to 3000. "Now attack, you freak of nature." The man kicks Mario in the groin and he disappears from the field. "Now I only have 2800 life points left" Yami says aloud. "True Yugi, I may have lost 500 life points for killing him with drugs, but I think it was well worth it" Kaiba tells him. Yami gives a scowl and shouts, "Now it's my move."  
  
Yami draws another card from his deck and smirks. "Now I place a face down monster, and another face down card," Yami states. Kaiba took a card from his deck and put it down on the field. "Axe Raider, destroy the face down card" he shouts as he Raider hits the card, revealing a Keribo with guns and sunglasses. Yami gives a quick laugh and says, "You fell into my trap." "What" Kaiba gasps. The one Keribo became many and each one held their guns at the Axe Raider. Yami flipped the other card over and said, "Multiplying Shot card." Each Keribo launched a volley of bullets at the Axe Raider and destroyed him easily. Kaiba gives a growl as his life points drop down to 2500. "Now, you're not so confident" Yami told him. He drew another card and said, "Perfect." "What's perfect?" "My Drug Magician" Yami shouts as the Keribos disappeared and a magician with a wrinkled robe, a cigarette in his mouth, a needle in his neck, a bottle of gin in his left hand, and a staff in his right.  
  
"There is no way to win now, Kaiba. My turn ends" Yami states. "We'll see about that Yugi" Kaiba taunts as he draws his next card. "Alright, it's time for Card Destruction. Take 5 new cards." Both players put their current cards away and take five new cards. "Unfortunately, I can't attack, but I'll put this card face down." 'That card could be a trap' Yami thinks, 'so I better stay clear of it.' He takes a card from his deck and puts it face down in defense mode. "That will end my turn," he announces. Kaiba takes a card from his deck and grins, "This is what I was waiting for! First, I play the card Drunkenness." The Drug magician begins to drink from his bottle of gin. "No" Yami shouts, "That much gin will make him too drunk to remember his magic spells. Not to mention the alcohol poisoning." After finishing about half of the bottle's content, the mage falls to the floor, inebriated.  
  
"But I'm not finished yet, now it's time for Nicotine Gum" Kaiba shouts. "No, not that" Yami retorts. One piece of nicotine gum flies into the Drug Magician's mouth, making him curl into the fetal position. The mage's attack strength was now only 1200 compared to 2500. "Now to finish you off, go Flaming Swordsman." A swordsman with a Hawaiian shirt and sweat pants appeared on the field. 'With 1800 attack points that stoner doesn't stand a chance' thought Kaiba. "Now go," he shouts as the swordsman charged at the weakened magician, preparing to strike, when Yami called "Reveal face down card." The card appeared as Kaiba shouted, "NO! Not the Drug Dealer!" Yami nodded and said, "Yes the Drug Dealer. With his special ability to heal the Drug Magician."  
  
The Drug Dealer hands the Drug Magician a cigarette and pours some coffee in his mouth, quickly rejuvenating him. The Flaming Swordsman swings just as the Drug Magician puts up his staff to block. "You know, you're really cute when you're angry" the swordsman tells him. The magician has a bewildered look on his before screaming at the tops of his lungs. "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH" he screams as he uses his magical energies to blow the swordsman away. "Damn, now I only have 700 life points."  
  
"Now the duel is over Kaiba" Yami says as he prepares to shout the final attack. "No it's not. You see Yugi, the Flaming Swordsman has a special ability that only affects monsters that are men" Kaiba tells him. Yugi looks over to his Drug Magician to see him back in the fetal position as the Drug Dealer tries to comfort him. "What happened to him?" shouts Yami. Kaiba give a quick chuckle before saying, "You see Yugi, most men don't like getting hit on by other men. It does things to them. I would know." Yami gives him a strange stare. "But...uh...that's not the point! The point is that he is gonna need some time to recuperate." "So I can't do anything this turn" Yugi declares. "Correct" Kaiba states.  
  
Kaiba takes another card and smiles, "OK, the end is now. I play the Cops." A number of police cars drive on to the field and run over the Drug Magician and Drug Dealer. The police chief gets out of the car and says, "Oh jeez, we were supposed to bring them back alive." Yugi and Kaiba stare at the bizarre sight. Kaiba finally breaks the silence by saying, "That's not how it's supposed to happen." "Agreed." "Oh well now I play Dragon Calling." Suddenly, a man playing a flute appears on the field. "Soon, a dragon will appear, but not just any dragon, the king of dragons. Yes, the Blue Eyes White Dragon will be here shortly." Then, a poodle came out of nowhere and bit him, destroying the man. "Where the heck is my Blue Eyes?" "He couldn't come, I take his place, ok, ok!" the poodle sputters out. "Ha, now what Kaiba" Yami shouts. "My turn ends" Kaiba says, defeated.  
  
Yami takes a card and puts it in his hand. He looks the card over before saying, "Here comes Flame Controller." A man on fire comes into play and runs around the field screaming, "I'm on fire! HELP! It Burns!" "Well Duh" Kaiba shouts. "He should be able to take down a poodle," Yami states as the Flame Controller runs at the poodle. The poodle opens his mouth and emits a large beam that destroys Yami's monster. "What" Yami screams as his life points drop to 1300. " Huh" Kaiba says, "Uhhh...yea! That is exactly what I expected to happen!" Kaiba takes a card and places it on the field. "And as it is now my turn Yugi," he tells him, "I will play Chain of Despair." Suddenly, the poodle has a chin around its neck. "Next comes the second and third...uh...White Haired Poodle...uh...Monster?" A second and third poodle appears on the field and the chain splits into three, holding the three by their necks. "Unfortunately, I cannot attack you this turn, but I will play one more card, Stop Defense. Now your monsters cannot defend. Your turn."  
  
Yami runs through his options of what he can do next, 'I could run up to Kaiba, kick him in the shin, poke out his eyes with his hair. No, that won't work, his strange hair style will block my strange hair style and then Jonouchi would jump in with his strange hair style and we would all kill each other with our hair.' Yami draws a card and smirks; "I play the card, Monster Reborn." A pile of drugs falls to the field and a man runs up to the pile and throws a match at the pile, setting it ablaze. "What does that do?" asks Kaiba. A crack opens up in the ground and the Drug Magician rises from the ground. "What" Kaiba shouts. "My turn isn't over, now for Concealing smoke." The drug addict takes a large puff and blows out smoke that covers Yami's side of the field. "This makes it so that you can't attack the Drug Magician unless you guess the right square."  
  
"Fine" shouts Kaiba. "Poodle's attack the center." The three poodles' emit beams from their mouths and incinerate the middle square. But, as the smoke clears the Drug Magician is nowhere to be seen. Kaiba mumbles inaudible curses as Yami says; "I pass." "Try the far left!" Once again, the poodle's attack, but the outcome is the same. "I pass" Yami declares again. Kaiba begins to think of his next move, 'This is pointless! Wait, I have three heads! Time to use them.' Kaiba gleams and shouts, "Poodle one, attack the left square. Poodle two, attack the first right square. Poodle three, attack the second right square." "This could be bad" Yami announces as the poodles' shoot at their targets. The left and first right were no good, leaving only the second right square. The third fired his beam at the square but a magical force collided with the blast, nullifying it.  
  
"What now" shouted the now enraged Kaiba. "My Drug Magician evolved from inhaling the smoke. Now he is the Pimp Magician." Coming out of the smoke with a red robe, a gun in hand, and a peace medallion, the Pimp Magician was ready to kill. "Now Kaiba. I will finish this" Yami shouted. "You bluff, your pimp is no stronger than my poodles" Kaiba shouted. "I know that, so I play the card, Double Handgun." The Pimp Magician grabbed another handgun out if his jacket and aimed it at the dogs. Yami smirked, "I can't attack, but there is nothing you can do now." Kaiba drew a card and threw it down on the field; "Oh, what about the Time Wizard." A wizard with many watches and a scepter made of watches came down from the sky. 'Damn it, why do these watches have to be so heavy.' "The Time Wizard" Yami repeated. "Yes, the Time Wizard, I will use him to de-evolve your Pimp Magician." Kaiba laughed uncontrollably, "You put up a nice duel, Yugi! But it is over! Go Time Wizard!" The Time Wizard began tried to lift his staff, but fell and collapsed into the ground. "Why...are...watches...so...heavy..." he murmured before he disappeared.  
  
"That's not fair" Kaiba shouted, "That's not supposed to happen." "Yes" Yami stated, "but I'm the hero!" The Pimp Magician shot the three poodles full of lead, destroying them and Kaiba's life points. "NOOOOO" he screamed. "I'll get you Yugi" he shouted as he charged at Yami. "Kaiba, open your mind" Yami shouted as he extended his palm, hitting Kaiba with a mystical force. Kaiba fell to the floor, seemingly in pain. "NNNOOOOO! Not my childhood! No mommy, I told you I want to become a duelist. No, not the closet. Not the dress!" he screamed. Yami reverted back into Yugi and joined up with Jonouchi, Honda, and Anzu.  
  
"I never could have done it without you guys" Yugi told them. "But we didn't do anything," Jonouchi stated, "hell, we were barely in the story." Yugi smiled and pulled out a small remote control, "Sure you did." He hit a button and the three replied, "Yes, we did." "Let's go to Burger Buddy." "OK." And the four left Kaiba writhing in pain. 


End file.
